This Black Woman and 6 Things to be Mindful of on Your Healing Journey

I can speak of healing a bit more casually now since for over five years I have been actively healing from the traumatic and life altering experiences that have shaped my reality up until now. If you don’t understand what it means to actively heal your life, it means assessing your life, relationships and experiences to see how they are affecting your current state of being and transforming those effects if necessary. We all have things that we need to heal. Some of them more influential in our lives than others. Healing, forgiving, and actively forming or repairing relationships, and self-love are all essential to thriving. Thriving is the operative word here. It means to prosper or to flourish. Yes, it’s debatable that going back through your childhood experiences to heal the effects that your absent father had on your sense of self is not necessary to having a great job and beautiful home and even a spouse or children. That’s true. However, true thriving is about wellness, and inner peace and self-love as much as it is about the accrual of material possessions. The way that issues manifest can’t often be seen by the naked eye, but they show up as an inner-unrest and they affect our relationships with ourselves and others.

 The unhealed parts of ourselves are easy to recognize when they manifest as drug dependency or drug abuse (both prescription and recreational), alcohol dependency or alcohol abuse, or other addictions such as food, sex, or unhealthy relationships. It’s a bit more inconspicuous when the compensation for an unhealed psyche manifests as overspending, overachieving, overcommitting, because these attributes are more socially acceptable. For some of us, were we to ever stop, the issues that we continue to deny would be right there waiting for us, so we must stay relentlessly busy, because we are not ready or willing to face them. Overspending, overachieving and overcommitting were all indicators of my unhealed experiences. I loved starting new projects, volunteering, and working incessantly hard. I especially loved buying beautiful things that deflected away from my low sense of self-worth. Meanwhile, the unhealed parts of me were constantly grasping for my attention, demanding to be heard, and insisting that we can not go on like this. I would over commit and burn out and not be able to follow through on what I started, pause just long enough to catch my breath and do it all again. Tainted ambition was my cryptonite. If only I could just listen to what was crying out from within me. It’s amazing how we can fix our minds on an objective that will supposedly improve the quality of our lives, whether it’s a raise or better job, a vacation, new home or an expensive pair of shoes, but when the basic outcry for healing erupts from within us, it creates a panic and we avoid it all costs. We will work tirelessly to defend our façade of perfection or strength, all while we let the truest parts of our own Soul suffocate.

The beautiful thing is that we are in the age of consciousness and so many people are waking up. More people are realizing that we have left the times of our ancestors behind. The blind survival grind, the do whatever it takes to go on at the expense of our health and well-being time, is up. We evolve or we die. Evolution looks like healing. Evolution looks like becoming the whole-hearted, fully functioning human being who experiences the full range of emotions, that you were meant to be. This can be a conscious choice or in time, life may move on you to help you make that decision. Yes, you could possibly go to your grave with all the internal scars, hidden traumas, and secret shames. The problem is that you would have lived a life where you let all of those things that you want to pretend don’t exist, affect your choices, decisions, interactions, ambitions, relationships and so on. Nothing will be unscathed by your negligence and if you were to have successors, it’s likely they will not have been bequeathed the ability to show up in the world as whole-hearted beings the way they were intended. Therein the generational tragedy of fractured existence ensues. Hopefully, there’s always hope, they will be the one to end the curse. I will end the generational curse of bequeathing trauma for myself and the bloodline that follows through me. It is my hope for you to make that conscious choice for you and your family. Healing makes us more compassionate human beings and if there was ever a quality we could use a huge dose of for the sake of the human race, it’s compassion.

Not everyone values this beautiful, arduous process of healing your life. I made the mistake of thinking that other people will value all of the wonderful things that I was working through within myself. Whether it was debunking old beliefs or releasing shame, I had to realize that my progress was falling on deaf ears with some. I’m not referring to randomly speaking with strangers at the grocery store about my journey. I often found myself at a loss of connection with people within my close inner circle. Because they were not doing or had not done the work, they had no point of reference for what I was expressing. It was frustrating, but I lived and learned. This is just one of a several things that I had to learn to be mindful of on my spiritual and healing journey. Here are some of the others.

1. Be hella discerning. Healing your life, especially when you come out the other side is a very freeing and empowering experience. It is invaluable to truly be at peace with who you are and what you have experienced, even if it was done to you. Conversely, the vulnerability of being in the muck of healing can have you shrouded in insecurities. In both respects, be hella discerning with whom you decide to share your healing journey. When you have worked through an issue and you still have others to work through, trying to celebrate with someone who doesn’t understand the significance of the work you have done can be discouraging to your healing journey, especially for the work left to be done. Likewise with any healing you are in the middle of, you have to be careful of with whom you share your struggles or the details of your current issues. To have someone invalidate what you are actively working through by downplaying its importance can be downright destructive. Be discerning and protect yourself as you are healing your life.

2. Not all advice is good advice. This calls for more discernment. In this, I refer to advice that you may receive from people that do understand the healing journey as well. Not everything is meant for your particular journey, even if it comes from well meaning individuals. The worst advice I’ve ever received and I’m glad I didn’t take it was to share a video publicly on social media that I had shared in a private community where I was expressing the revelation of a repressed memory of being sexually assaulted when I was fifteen years old. My ex-coach encouraged me to share my video publicly and warned that it could go viral. Yeah, no. I didn’t even have to ponder this. I had not done any work to heal through the trauma yet. Sharing that revelation prematurely and so publicly would have been detrimental to my healing. That was terrible advice. For this reason and several others, that’s my ex-coach. Not all advice is good advice.

3. Learn to trust your intuition. This is essential. Trusting your intuition is a feat to start off, especially if you are accustomed to suppressing and ignoring your feelings. Healing has a way of developing our intuition and strengthening your connection with the Creator. A heightened intuition is a perfect compliment to being spiritually attuned. Intuition is the way that you access, download if you will, your Divine instructions that come from the Creator. Your intuition is your greatest gauge for discernment. Learn to listen to and trust the still small voice within offering invaluable insight.

4.Trust the process for you. It may mean stumbling over the same issues a few times. It may feel as though you may never get past the pain. Your healing journey may cause you to end relationships or affect your ability to function at levels you were used to. You may be called to change directions and use what you have learned to bless the lives of others, and it may not seem like you can do it. It is important to trust whatever the process is for you. From the outside looking into your life, you may appear weak or flaky or confused even. Honestly, because healing is sometimes deconstructive, that may be true. Be gentle and patient with yourself. It is natural for us to want others to understand and revel in or joy or excitement for our journey through life or simply empathize, but with healing in particular it is very hard. Often times, people that are not acutely healing see your healing as a spotlight for their own, and they may not want to look at that yet. They also just may not understand and that’s okay. You have to learn to trust your journey for yourself.

5. Seek out help. I know. The first four points I’ve made here would lead you to believe that you have to have your guards high and do this healing journey all on your own. On the contrary, because this journey can feel so lonely and isolated, I highly recommend seeking out help. I definitely, 100% recommend therapy whether you are actively healing through things or not. Having a licensed individual equipped with psychological tools to help you navigate and process experiences and their effects on you can be essential to thriving. There are also social media communities or support groups you can join that will allow you to converse and connect with like minds. Fellowship can be healing in itself. I would encourage you still to be discerning, determine the best advice for yourself, learn to trust your intuition and trust the process for your own healing.

6. Don’t underestimate the importance of healing. Living with a sense of unrest within yourself can feel like the norm if you have never felt lasting peace. Comparing yourself to your parents or grandparents (my fellow POC especially) and their ability to persevere and be unaffected by what they have experienced is often the reasoning behind carrying on the tradition of not addressing the need to heal. When you know better, you know that a fractured existence, an existence where you are not wholly yourself or free to be yourself because of shame , guilt , or fear is merely survival. For many of our predecessors, all they could do was survive. There was no freedom to process an abusive marriage or parental relationship, or the effects of racism on the psyche, or even to determine what healthy relationships should look like. We reflect on our predecessors as unaffected by all that they encountered, but they weren’t. They were human. There is no way they could not have been. Many of us will never be lucky enough to see them heal their lives or at the very least express how they were affected. We are fortunate in that we are past the point of taking life as it comes, and we have moved into a space that allows us to more freely manifest the existence that we desire. It’s hard to do that when you are so disconnected from yourself due to unresolved pain and trauma that you can’t discern what you want or deserve, let alone who you truly are. You can always package up and try to maintain this impeccable façade that is unaffected by life and sell that package of who you are to the world. Being unhealed doesn’t necessarily affect your ability to achieve and acquire things externally. We have plenty of evidence of that in the world.

The tragedy is that your children and grandchildren will go forth and attempt to mimic your unhealed behaviors as wholeness and chastise themselves for being affected by things that should genuinely affect them. Imagine if you will being a person that is hurt, deeply hurt by another person or some experience and finding a way to heal from it. Not ignore it and pretend to be unbothered, but genuinely process the experience, how it truly affected your outlook on yourself and your life, and determine what that means for you as you go forward. Imagine being deeply disappointed with yourself or someone else and doing the same thing. Imagine experiencing a huge loss that rocks your faith and being able to do the same thing. Whether it’s experiencing infidelity, being raped or molested, or experiencing the death of a close loved one, the ugliest of the ugly can be healed. It’s possible! It’s a choice, but it’s possible. To choose healing is to choose wholeness. HEAL. EMPOWER. THRIVE.

This Black Woman and #Goals

Ah, the new year has already begun to settle in nicely around us. We may be still accidentally dating things 2018, in the rare instances that we hand write, but it’s gone and there’s no going back. I must admit I was pumped for this year to begin. The second half of 2018 suddenly brought me a great deal of momentum and confidence. I was on fire for creating content and expanding my vision for Empriss D. Bennett Coaching. I however, kept disregarding the urgent cry for me to address my diet and exercise routine, and slowly my health started to slow my roll. By New Year’s Day I was burned out and I had to take some serious downtime. Not to mention, the beautiful, magnificent, ambitious goals that I had set for the new year were already doing a number on my mind.

Goals are wonderful concepts, aren’t they? They are designed to help us stretch and grow and reach far past our perceived potential. At least good goals do anyway. My goals for 2019, because I have been diligently working to expand my mindset, being the great Mindset Coach that I am, are larger than I have ever aspired to. They are aligned, and purpose driven, and they provided me with a red-hot fire in my belly for immediate action. At least initially. After the initial high of being outside of my comfort zone, the reality set in that my goals were outside my comfort zone, and that’s when my mind turned on me.

Over the course of two weeks, fears, new and known, began to surface. Followed expectedly by self-doubt. Before I could recognize what was happening, I suddenly started to be bothered by what people thought. The thins is though, very little of it was really about what people thought, and the rest was what I thought people thought about me, my life choices, my career, all kinds of things. Crazy as it sounds, I was having mental conversations with snarky remarks and comebacks for scenarios that didn’t and would never actually playout in real life. It unfortunately took three weeks before I realized that I was bothered by my own insecurities, and it was my fault because no else was involved. It made me realize, that my lofty goals, left me feeling exposed and insecure. The things that I thought other people had opinions about, where just my limiting beliefs. I suddenly felt like Michael Keaton in Birdman. Stuck outside the dressing room in my underwear for everyone to see.

Because of this revelation, I have come to realize that confidence is relative to your comfort zone. A lack of confidence can be a sign of weakness, but neither lacking confidence or weakness are necessarily bad. If I aspire to move into a new era of life that requires me to grow and learn, it is possible that I will eventually be insecure, until I catch my stride and develop competence. Sometimes insecurity is a sign of growth and its okay. So, I have some kick-ass goals for 2019 and mostly no clue about how to get them accomplished. They are going to require me to ask for help and support, and learn all that I can, and that’s okay because that’s the goal of goals.

If in pursuing you goals this year you find yourself feeling discouraged or distracted by the obstacles, it’s likely that you need some additional support because you have set goals that are far outside your comfort zone. It doesn’t mean they aren’t reachable, it means that you have a larger vision. So, before you write off your ability to create and manifest beyond your current limitations and label yourself as defunct, consider what besides yourself it would take to make you desires a reality. It’s possible for you to have it and you certainly deserve it.

This Black Woman & Needing a Savior

As a self-proclaimed empowered woman who is ambitious, intelligent, brilliant and extremely tenacious, I initially shuddered at the realization that I secretly felt the need to be saved. I wasn’t looking for a man to save me. I wasn’t even looking for Jesus to save me. I was looking for money and wealth to save me. I was looking for mentors to save me, believing they knew better than I. I was looking for the ways of “whiteness” to save me.

After thirty-four years on this planet, I finally came to the realization that my need to succeed at life and any endeavor was being fueled by my deeply-rooted feelings of unworthiness and inadequacy. With that realization, I also came to know that this was ultimately, very disempowering. The thing about needing to be saved is that there is no shortage of persons with a savior complex, (especially a white savior complex) so you will undoubtedly find the “help” you need. I have personally had my fill of spiritual white women and their need to save women of color or bless us with their generosity. My inferiority complex led me right to situations where I found myself preyed upon and exploited. On the specific subject of spiritual white women, for now, I digress. More on that in another conversation another time. Like me, you will eventually find that true aide should be empowering, but when the foundation of a relationship is built on one person needing to be saved by the other, there is a power inequity in this dynamic usually in favor of the “savior.” Quite frankly, when you are needing to be saved by a man, woman, money, job, or Jesus, you are giving your power away.

As an extension of God/Source/Universe, whichever you prefer, you have been endowed with a great deal of power. Very important parts of that power are free will, causative living, and the ability to summon the answers and aid required for cognitive decision making. In short, you are powerful beyond measure. God is so magnificent and created you to with so much intention, she created you to be self-governing. Now what’s more dope than that?

Somewhere along the way, possibly lost in life experience, we forget that we have all of these amazing abilities intentionally bestowed upon us by this all mighty Universal force. We come to believe that being human is this small, insignificant experience that is far removed from the powerful Source that created us. We begin to believe that life is happening to us. In some ways, life does happen to us.

Take me for instance. I was born the seventh child, into a family of nine to single black mother with a high school education. Our neighborhood was saturated with drugs and violence. Our household was also a turbulent environment because amidst creating a family whose size would undoubtedly be challenging for two parents, my mom never had the opportunity to learn who she was or develop herself in any way past being a teenager. This made for a parent that had temper tantrums, was incapable of managing her emotions and stress, and perpetuated the generational traditions of physical abuse and emotional abuse as the primary form of discipline. My mom disciplined through humiliation and embarrassment quite often.

Now take me, this very sensitive child, who really needed a great more individual attention and love than the average child, or at least more than I received. My mother, based on a collection of decisions, was incapable of providing the environment and parenting that I needed. It would make for difficult teenage years and a rocky transition into adulthood for me. To be clear, I don’t hold any blame with my mother. I honestly believe that she did the best she could, considering the situation. Essentially none of this is my fault either, but it’s my responsibility to change the effects of the things that have happened to me over which I have no control.  It’s not my fault, but it’s my responsibility.

I grew up in impoverished and adverse conditions, with limited resources and limited exposure to the world at large. Though I have had the chance to transcend those circumstances, the many things I did not know became immediately evident. I realized that I had gaps where “normal” experiences should be. Coming from where I’m from, higher learning, properly managing finances or making large purchases are hallmarks that could be the first in many generations. Exposure to different groups of people with different backgrounds and conversations allowed me to immediately reflect on what I knew. It can be disheartening when you are constantly trying to play catch up to relate to your expanded peer group. I often experienced feelings of hopelessness, and those feelings in certain ways, not all, caused me to take on an attitude of victimhood. Now I would have never described myself as a victim of anything because I am resilient as fuck, but victimhood is disempowering in that you start looking for someone (or something) to save you from a situation that you actually have the power to change. As I have been diligently working to reframe my mindset and heal over the years I couldn’t ignore some of the more challenging areas of my life and my mindset towards them.

 The onset of feeling like a victim can be subtle, after all, your challenges are valid. For myself, it has shown up in the form of waiting, being hesitant to take risks or simply take action. Waiting on signs from God or superstition, perfecting timing, or the best advice, not in a way that empowered me to take a calculated risk, but in a way that I hoped I would be saved from any unfavorable outcomes. Waiting because I did not feel empowered enough to trust my own intuition and my ability to overcome circumstances.

Victimhood can also show up in perceived deficits. I would (and can) go into overdrive because I believed that I am at a disadvantage, in many ways, instead of simply embracing my starting point. Everything I did was fueled by making up for what I didn’t have, (i.e. the right education, financial structure, family, inheritance, gender, race, physique, geographical position, etc.) There was so much for me to feel disadvantaged about, and it proved to be toxic fuel, because perceived deficits are often rooted in feelings of inferiority. Feelings of inferiority often bring about a drive to be superior, when the best prescription really was for me to discover that I am enough. Embracing my “enough-ness” is not something that I did through external achievements and acquisitions, it is constantly being achieved through identifying the beliefs behind my feelings of inferiority, transforming them and learning from where my sense of worth (all of ours really) is actually derived. (Hint: Your self-worth comes from God.)

Realizing that my self-worth comes from being a creation and extension of God, and that it is static, meaning it doesn’t increase or decrease, helped me put everything else into perspective. What I had been trying to prove, could only be realized. Like everyone else, I am here in this life to express my Soul. I am much freer to do that without the burdens of inferiority, the limitations of waiting on the perfect timing, favorable circumstances, or someone (or something) to save me from the blessing that is my life.

Self-Reflection:

I invite to explore your own life and empower yourself by asking yourself these questions:

Which parts of my life do I want to see growth, change, or improvement? Reflecting on the different areas of my life, where are am I not stepping up to the challenge? Why?

Am I wanting and waiting to be saved in those areas my life? Why?

How would taking action to get help, learn, or actively manage this area of my life, change my life overall? Would it improve? Would it get worse?

How does the idea stepping up to change this part of my life make me feel? (Afraid, intimidated, uneasy, hopeless, empowered, excited?) Why?

Do I feel worthy of the things, feelings, and outcomes I desire? Why or why not?

What have your answers revealed to you about how you play an active role in creating your life? Are you creating or are you waiting?

Need to discuss your reflections? Book a free 30 minute 1:1 coaching consult with me to take a deeper look into what you have discovered about yourself. 

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This Black Woman

Hello there. I am Empriss D. Bennett. The Empriss of Empowerment. Mindset Coach. Writer. Speaker. Activist. At my core though, I am still the little black girl from the West Dallas projects. Instead of sitting on green boxes shooting the shit, fighting, and dreaming of a better future, now I'm legacy building, leading and empowering women like me, and disrupting paradigms. I am healing the effects of hood ptsd. I am a beacon for those that will come after me. I am learning and growing and evolving and becoming. Won't you join me on this journey?