As a self-proclaimed empowered woman who is ambitious,
intelligent, brilliant and extremely tenacious, I initially shuddered at the
realization that I secretly felt the need to be saved. I wasn’t looking for a
man to save me. I wasn’t even looking for Jesus to save me. I was looking for
money and wealth to save me. I was looking for mentors to save me, believing they knew better than I. I was
looking for the ways of “whiteness” to save me.
After thirty-four years on this planet, I finally came to
the realization that my need to succeed at life and any endeavor was being
fueled by my deeply-rooted feelings of unworthiness and inadequacy. With that
realization, I also came to know that this was ultimately, very disempowering. The
thing about needing to be saved is that there is no shortage of persons with a
savior complex, (especially a white savior complex) so you will undoubtedly
find the “help” you need. I have personally had my fill of spiritual white
women and their need to save women of color or bless us with their generosity. My
inferiority complex led me right to situations where I found myself preyed upon
and exploited. On the specific subject of spiritual white women, for now, I
digress. More on that in another conversation another time. Like me, you will
eventually find that true aide should be empowering, but when the foundation of
a relationship is built on one person needing to be saved by the other, there
is a power inequity in this dynamic usually in favor of the “savior.” Quite
frankly, when you are needing to be saved by a man, woman, money, job, or
Jesus, you are giving your power away.
As an extension of God/Source/Universe, whichever you
prefer, you have been endowed with a great deal of power. Very important parts
of that power are free will, causative living, and the ability to summon the
answers and aid required for cognitive decision making. In short, you are
powerful beyond measure. God is so magnificent and created you to with so much
intention, she created you to be self-governing. Now what’s more dope than
that?
Somewhere along the way, possibly lost in life experience,
we forget that we have all of these amazing abilities intentionally bestowed
upon us by this all mighty Universal force. We come to believe that being human
is this small, insignificant experience that is far removed from the powerful
Source that created us. We begin to believe that life is happening to us. In
some ways, life does happen to us.
Take me for instance. I was born the seventh child, into a
family of nine to single black mother with a high school education. Our
neighborhood was saturated with drugs and violence. Our household was also a
turbulent environment because amidst creating a family whose size would
undoubtedly be challenging for two parents, my mom never had the opportunity to
learn who she was or develop herself in any way past being a teenager. This
made for a parent that had temper tantrums, was incapable of managing her
emotions and stress, and perpetuated the generational traditions of physical
abuse and emotional abuse as the primary form of discipline. My mom disciplined
through humiliation and embarrassment quite often.
Now take me, this very sensitive child, who really needed a
great more individual attention and love than the average child, or at least
more than I received. My mother, based on a collection of decisions, was
incapable of providing the environment and parenting that I needed. It would
make for difficult teenage years and a rocky transition into adulthood for me. To
be clear, I don’t hold any blame with my mother. I honestly believe that she
did the best she could, considering the situation. Essentially none of this is
my fault either, but it’s my responsibility to change the effects of the things
that have happened to me over which I have no control. It’s not my fault, but it’s my
responsibility.
I grew up in impoverished and adverse conditions, with
limited resources and limited exposure to the world at large. Though I have had
the chance to transcend those circumstances, the many things I did not know
became immediately evident. I realized that I had gaps where “normal”
experiences should be. Coming from where I’m from, higher learning, properly
managing finances or making large purchases are hallmarks that could be the
first in many generations. Exposure to different groups of people with
different backgrounds and conversations allowed me to immediately reflect on
what I knew. It can be disheartening when you are constantly trying to play
catch up to relate to your expanded peer group. I often experienced feelings of
hopelessness, and those feelings in certain ways, not all, caused me to take on
an attitude of victimhood. Now I would have never described myself as a victim of
anything because I am resilient as fuck, but victimhood is disempowering in
that you start looking for someone (or something) to save you from a situation
that you actually have the power to change. As I have been diligently working
to reframe my mindset and heal over the years I couldn’t ignore some of the
more challenging areas of my life and my mindset towards them.
The onset of feeling
like a victim can be subtle, after all, your challenges are valid. For myself,
it has shown up in the form of waiting,
being hesitant to take risks or simply take action. Waiting on signs from God or superstition, perfecting timing, or
the best advice, not in a way that empowered me to take a calculated risk, but
in a way that I hoped I would be saved from any unfavorable outcomes. Waiting
because I did not feel empowered enough to trust my own intuition and my
ability to overcome circumstances.
Victimhood can also show up in perceived deficits. I would (and can) go into overdrive because I
believed that I am at a disadvantage, in many ways, instead of simply embracing
my starting point. Everything I did was fueled by making up for what I didn’t
have, (i.e. the right education, financial structure, family, inheritance,
gender, race, physique, geographical position, etc.) There was so much for me
to feel disadvantaged about, and it proved to be toxic fuel, because perceived
deficits are often rooted in feelings of inferiority. Feelings of inferiority
often bring about a drive to be superior, when the best prescription really was
for me to discover that I am enough. Embracing my “enough-ness” is not
something that I did through external achievements and acquisitions, it is
constantly being achieved through identifying the beliefs behind my feelings of
inferiority, transforming them and learning from where my sense of worth (all
of ours really) is actually derived. (Hint: Your self-worth comes from God.)
Realizing that my self-worth comes from being a creation and
extension of God, and that it is static, meaning it doesn’t increase or
decrease, helped me put everything else into perspective. What I had been
trying to prove, could only be realized. Like everyone else, I am here in this
life to express my Soul. I am much freer to do that without the burdens of
inferiority, the limitations of waiting on the perfect timing, favorable
circumstances, or someone (or something) to save me from the blessing that is
my life.
Self-Reflection:
I invite to explore your own life and empower yourself by
asking yourself these questions:
Which parts of my life do I want to see growth, change, or
improvement? Reflecting on the different areas of my life, where are am I not
stepping up to the challenge? Why?
Am I wanting and waiting to be saved in those areas my life?
Why?
How would taking action to get help, learn, or actively
manage this area of my life, change my life overall? Would it improve? Would it
get worse?
How does the idea stepping up to change this part of my life
make me feel? (Afraid, intimidated, uneasy, hopeless, empowered, excited?) Why?
Do I feel worthy of the things, feelings, and outcomes I
desire? Why or why not?
What have your answers revealed to you about how you play an
active role in creating your life? Are you creating or are you waiting?
Need to discuss your reflections? Book a free 30 minute 1:1 coaching consult with me to take a deeper look into what you have discovered about yourself.
