This Black Woman and her Ancestors

Today I am full, but not from the meal that is served in abundance. Today I am full of deep gratitude for my ancestors. I am grateful for the men and women who came before me and paved the way for my existence. Those who sacrificed and kept quiet so that I can be this outspoken black woman I am today. Those whose names I do not know because their history has been erased. My ancestors, whose art flows through my fingers and out through my paint brush. I am grateful to the theologians, like Cubie Kelly, that studied and practiced their craft masterfully, that I can speak a gospel that my heart knows to be true. I am grateful for the grace and poise, for the beauty and the presence that I know comes through me from strong, resilient women. So many amazing people made me possible. The poetry that forms in my mind, on pages and my tongue, is not just mine. This poetry is words that were thought to be dead and lost forever, and yet here they are living on through me.  I have spent a great deal of time, asking for more, and now I wonder, “how can I be a better conduit?”

“How can I form a better alliance and stay in alignment with that which I have been blessed?” I am guilty of always asking for more and ignoring the countless blessings in the numerous gifts that have been given to me naturally. I can create a recipe in my mind and execute it to perfection. I can transform the ambiance of a room with merely a vision and even on a budget if need be. I wish I could name the original ancestor that made this possible. I do know that Jewel gave it to Sylvia who gave it to me. I have been blessed with so much. How can I be a better expression of these blessings? That’s the new question that I am asking of God. For a long time, I always felt I was at a deficit. Looking out at the world, it is easy to identify with what is perceived to be missing. I have been searching for years for answers, for solutions, that would somehow make me whole. After all, I had a rough start, a start where so much was missing. I grew up in the projects. It was such a traumatic and brutal experience. The daily exposure to violence and scarcity will be forever seared into my mind. I felt alone quite often in those days, and most of my life. Imagine that. Being one of nine children and feeling alone always. That loneliness was derived from a lack of feeling seen and understood rather than physical presence though. I felt so far away from God. For all of the things that I experienced, I often thought, how could God have been present for that?

When I reflect though, I can see where God was always there. So were all of the amazing folks that came before me. I think of the times I was spared from trouble while hanging out in a trap house with drug dealers with no thought to the consequences, or by listening to internal directions that told me which way to run or just because something greater was watching over me. How I was spared from being beat to death in a fight where I was severely outnumbered. I was always being watched over because I am important. I am a treasure. I am the one that can bring so many unrealized dreams into this world. So many beautiful things that have waited for decades, even centuries, to be born. I have for so many years been searching for and seeking to achieve the things that would make me great. I can see now that I AM great in my existence. Not because of my ambition. Not because of my vision. Not because of me on my own. I am great because I am the culmination of gifts that have compounded over time to make me possible. I am great because of all those that have come before me to make my greatness plausible. I am great because of those who struggled in ways that I may never have to. I am great because of my ancestors, and I am grateful for all that of the possibilities that flow through me because of them. May I continue to be the greatest expression of these blessings that I can be, and may you recognize the gifts made possible for you by all of those who came before you. May you be thankful and rejoice in all that you are.